LAWYERS
 

A Few Good Men

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."

LAWYERS
 

A man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.

So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me.

" The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"?

:rotf:

LAWYERS
 

A Lawyer and A Politician

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

:cid:

LAWYERS
 

QUESTION: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

ANSWER: Professional courtesy.

LAWYERS
 

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.

After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

A good lawyer knows the law;

a great lawyer... knows the judge.

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

QUESTION: What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?


ANSWER: Sue!!

LAWYERS
 

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.
The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying "Are you alright, are you alright?"

The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. "What the hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!"

Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, "Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it's disgusting! Don't you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?"

The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said "Oh, God, . . . my ROLEX!"

QUESTION: What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?


ANSWER: They grow taller.

A/N: Because they are all PRICKS!!!!

In a judgement:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before making the autopsy, verified you if there were pulse?"
Doctor: "No"
Lawyer: "Verified you the sanguineous pressure?"
Doctor: "No"
Lawyer: "Verified you if there were breathing?"
Doctor: "No"
Lawyer: "Then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Doctor: "No"
Lawyer: "How can you assure it, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Because his brain was on my table, in a jar"
Lawyer: "But could the patient, however, to have been still alive?"
Doctor: "Well, yes, it is possible that him was been alive and exerting of lawyer somewhere."


En un juzgado:

Abogado: "Doctor, ¿antes de realizar la autopsia, verificó si había pulso?"
Doctor: "No"
Abogado: "¿Verificó la presión sanguínea?"
Doctor: "No"
Abogado: "¿Verificó si había respiración?"
Doctor: "No"
Abogado: "¿Entonces, es posible que el paciente estuviera vivo cuando usted comenzó la autopsia?"
Doctor: "No"
Abogado: "¿Como puede usted estar tan seguro, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Porqué su cerebro estaba sobre mi mesa, en un tarro"
Abogado: "¿Pero podría, no obstante, haber estado aún vivo el paciente?"
Doctor: "Bueno, sí, es posible que hubiera estado vivo y ejerciendo de abogado en alguna parte."

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

LAWYERS
 

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."